I thought visiting California last week would clarify & cement things for me, potentially settle my heart a bit in respect to moving there, but it seemed to confuse me even more.

As I visited schools, my convictions felt confirmed in some ways.  I felt assured that there will definitely be like-minded people (both faculty and students) at both of the institutions I visited. Each school highly emphasized their mission of serving the community (though my lawyer friend claimed this is what all law schools do) and had students speak to all the interesting clinics and pro bono work they did while attending school.  I’ve also learned that a legal education can span much broader than I ever comprehended it to.  I think I was always thinking pretty narrowly when it came to a legal career: you’re either working in a corporate firm or you’ll be working in the courtroom.  But there is a vast spectrum of organizations and causes you can be working for.  For instance, some students/professors spoke about international law, which is an area I’ve never considered before this week but might be something I want to explore.  I also learned about working in criminal justice reform, which focuses on researching policies and building campaign strategies, which might be more up my alley rather than working in criminal defense.

Yet in some ways, visiting schools also started planting doubts in my head.  Am I really up for this?  They didn’t sugarcoat the severity of that first year and being away from school for so long, I couldn’t help but wonder if I still have the mental stamina to keep up.  It was a reality check that once August comes around, I’d have to quickly shift gears and start thinking and living differently with barely any buffer time.  My life will become a bubble, and for once in my life, my career/education will completely consume me and become central to my identity.

But possibly even larger than the burden of changing career paths, another question loomed on my mind.  As I soaked in the warm sun and drove down wide streets, I asked myself if I could truly picture myself living here.  People ask me all the time why the hell I would leave this slower-paced, sunbathed life for a crowded, grungy place where people freely push & shove you and throw garbage on the streets. But being in the perfectly manicured OC and beautifully breezy LA only made my heart quietly yearn for NY.  The thought of tearing myself away from my community I’ve grown, my bustling life, and the city itself terrified and disheartened me.  I have to admit I’ve experienced some low points in NY especially during this past year to a point where I started thinking this environment had grown toxic for me, so I thought I would be more comfortable with the idea of moving back to the west coast.  But I found this was far from the case. This city had battered and beaten me, yet I still love it to pieces. And now that the time is nearing, I already find myself growing wistful of letting go of it all.  My heart doesn’t feel ready.